A Colombian professional man with Spinal Atrophy living in London
Attracting a sexual partner is far less about magic and more of a form of art, which is only truly perfected with practice. Easier said than done you might say – however, from my own experience I can genuinely say that I wish I knew then what I know now. Essentially, it is about making that other person feel happy to be in your company. What do people want? They want to be happy. So, how do you accomplish that? By reminding them how extraordinarily wonderful they are. Most lovers rely on their physical and/or financial prowess to pass that sense of self-appreciation to the object of their desire.
As a disabled man, I have to give that same sense of self-appreciation on an emotional and intellectual level. So how is it done? The answer is threefold:
1. Always be extremely polite and courteous. I don’t mean: open doors, carry shopping bags or pull the chair out at the restaurant for the other person. Instead, I mean that you should always speak: (a) respectfully; and, (b) interested in what the other persona has to say, about what is important to them. Please and thank you goes a long way.
2. Make her feel like the centre of the universe. In this regard, the old saying about flattery getting you everywhere, is completely true. I don’t mean that you should be slimy: but certainly be sure to be complimenting of her beauty, her intelligence and her dress sense.
3. Make her laugh. Be witty and don’t try to cover up your disability pretending it is not there. Don’t ridicule yourself (or others), but certainly be open about your limitations. Personally, I find a bit of “tongue-in-cheek” boastfulness about your sexual prowess, despite your disability, is often a funny, good ice-breaker, which suggests self-assuredness, which helps: (a) to put the other person at ease about disability; and, (b) most importantly, triggers the imagination, making her curious about what precisely you can do sexually.
Personally, I believe you have only five minutes from the moment you meet someone you find attractive to setting the sexual wheels going. You have to be daring, because if you are afraid, then you can’t expect the other person to overcome your fears for you. With a smile, simply ask her if she would like to get a coffee sometime – even if, like me, your disability makes it difficult to swallow saliva, let alone coffee, but that doesn’t matter.
The point is to get that other person alone with you having a one-to-one conversation. At that point, remember she is only being friendly. It is up to you to raise the temperature. At the end of coffee, ask her if she would like to go to the cinema or dinner or theatre the following week. If she says yes, then your prospects have improved tenfold because she found your conversation interesting enough and enjoyable enough to want to spend more time with you. Don’t be put off if she has a boyfriend. Disabled people make perfect secret lovers because no one will suspect.
Don’t be afraid to suggest that either, but obviously make the suggestion with a cheeky smile, to make it sound like a joke if she is not up for that! Always, and specially during the first three outings, pay the bill. That is an important part of making her feel flattered and the centre of the universe, and something that other modern day men (including her boyfriend if she has one), are unlikely to do, which makes you stand out.
At the end of the cinema meeting (never call it a date at this stage as it makes the pressure too real), suggest a third outing the week after but this time somewhere you can speak, for me the pub or a nice wine bar is best. Once you get there, then just tell her that: you find her very attractive, and that if nothing else, you can promise her a unique sexual experience like nothing she has ever experienced before. She will often be used to previous lovers taking the physical lead – you by contrast promise to let her be in control! If your disability interferes with your ability to get an erection, then be creative!
Don’t be afraid to ask her (on the third outing only) whether she is “open minded”, and if so, tell her to prove it! Don’t let the atmosphere get tense. Look out for signs of discomfort in her expressions. If you detect she is uncomfortable with the subject, then drop it. You want to come across as a seducer, not a desperate pervert. Be prepared, it is a numbers game. The first few times you are going to fail to get that girl alone in a bedroom. But that is ok, if you managed to get her to have coffee with you that is an excellent first step. Practice is the secret of success.
Prepare the logistics. For example, I have a code language with my PA’s. If I am out on a meeting with a girl I fancy, I will ask my PA to leave me at the coffee shop and come back every hour, in case I need help or the girl walks out early. However, if sex is on the cards, I will say to my PA to remind me to phone my aunt tomorrow. That is the code for my PA to book me a nearby hotel. Obviously, before going we would have researched on the Internet what nearby wheelchair accessible hotels there are.
Don’t make my early days mistake. Don’t send a girl flowers or chocolates before you have had sex with her. They find that too public, too pressurising. It is important for the girl to know and feel that she has sex with you because she finds you attractive and fun, not because you are trying to bribe her with pathetic gestures. Create a sense of spontaneity, curiosity and a secret sexual adventure (at first), not a love tragedy. Your impairment may seem scary, so show her it is really quite a positive thing.